Using Physical Image as an easy way out

My husband asked me why – in my entry about Ivanna – I hadn’t written about Cyril – her husband – who for years had said that Ivanna was too fat to be attractive to him physically.  (Later Cyril acknowledged that her weight had never truly been the problem.)

I explained to my husband that the whole fat thing had never really been a part of their marriage, and that it certainly had nothing to do with my piece – which was about growth and self-discovery, and courage.  But, it got me thinking.

(I bet a lot of you are wondering, “Well, was she too fat?”)

We like it when someone’s too fat:  it makes things really easy.  Any problems or difficulties they encounter, as well as any negative feelings we might direct toward them, have no need for analysis – it’s obvious:  they are too fat.

There’s been a lot written about how fat is the last socially acceptable prejudice, because weight is something you can “do something about” – as opposed to gender, or ethnicity – and debate on that issue is easy to find.  The thing I wonder about, though, is why “fat” is such a powerful word, and feeling.

(Some of you are thinking – if you are still reading – “why is she using the F-word so much?  I don’t want to hear about that.  Fat makes me uncomfortable.)

There’s a sense of shame attached to fat that seems special, and I can’t really figure out why.  Is it because fat is associated with “weakness of the flesh” – a sign that the base cravings of the physical have overcome the higher standards of the mind?  Is it because we are all secretly afraid of the power of our own bodies (lets ignore the assumption that fat really has that much to do with our bodies)?

If – lets say – I always genuinely intend to keep my word, and yet over and over again I fail to do what I promise, I don’t think people would view me with the fascinated disgust they do when they see someone with extra padding making a non-nutritionally-supportive highly caloric food choice.  They might say, “oh, you can’t count on her, she never does what she says, she means well, but she just isn’t reliable” about me.  They might even feel that to say I am “not trustworthy” would be a little harsh.  But a person with excess fat and an ice-cream cone is fair game.  Why?

In both cases there is an honest intent to do what we plan (honor my commitments, make a nutrient dense food selection) but in neither case do we follow through.  Even when our “failure” clearly affects someone else, we are not “shamed” in the same way.  Why?  Either situation could be blamed on a lack of willpower.

(So, would you rather be labeled untrustworthy or fat?  Be honest.)

I think my theory – although I’m more than open to suggestion – is that we are more willing to excuse our minds than our bodies, and we do tend to assume fat is completely a physical attribute.  Of course our minds –crafty devils – will skew things to their own advantage.

(Most of us are not really used to seeking wisdom from our bodies and even tend to discount it when it is obvious.  Ever said to yourself, “Wow, I’m really tired, I need to go sleep,” but instead stay up late watching television?  And then, the next day, puzzle over why you don’t have the energy you want?)

Additionally, our physical image is exposed – it’s out there for anyone to view and interpret as they see fit.  Our minds are hidden away and mysterious.  Using our physical image to quantify us is the easy way out – for others, and for ourselves.

It doesn’t really matter what other people do, that’s their business, there’s nothing you can do about it, and their opinions are always more about them, than about you.  But when you view your physical image critically, and use your view of your body to help create a negative self-image, you’re not only disrespecting yourself, but also being a coward.

(Hey – I can call you a coward; I’m a coward too – just not in this particular way, anymore.)

And just because you’re a coward, doesn’t mean there is nothing to be afraid of.  In my world – at least – there are all sorts of things to be afraid of.  And when I was really fat, one of the things I was most afraid of – in a strange way – was seeing who I was without the fat.  I wanted the protection my fat suit gave me – until I didn’t anymore.

All that would have been fine – if unconventional – if I had really looked myself in the eye and been honest about what I was doing.  Said, “I want to wear this outfit right now, it may not look that great, but it is comfortable, and it’s keeping me warm, and besides, I don’t have anything else to wear.”  But that isn’t what I told myself – I figured that my fat suit showed that I was bad, that I was just not good enough.

But that’s me, and during the time I was carrying around an extra 140 pounds of fat, I didn’t really think about it very much.  It wasn’t until I was finally ready to let it go that I could begin to understand how it had served me.

So next time you – or anyone else – label yourself “too fat” ask yourself what it’s really all about.

What are you “too fat” for?  And is it something you really want?  Maybe it is.  I used to be “too fat” to put the tray table down in the airplane, and air travel is really more enjoyable with the use of a tray table.  But clearly there was something else I wanted more than the use of a tray-table (and no, the answer is not “food”).

Or maybe you are afraid of going after what you want, or getting it, and the fat is keeping you from having to really try.

If you can’t come up with an answer, fine, but know that the extra fat is serving you in some way – it is there from your choice – and when a different choice seems better, you will make it.    Fat is a very complicated tool for growth, but it does not make you unworthy, or evil, or a victim – those are identities you – with some social help – are choosing along with the fat label.  Why?

How is the fat giving you a hall pass?  What is it letting you not see?  How is it helping you?

If your body has a higher percentage of fat than it really needs, and you would like your percentage to be lower, you must clean up your fat before you can get rid of it permanently.

By adding emotion and labels and moral value to fat, we change it from a simple monounsaturated pure energy storage system created to help us survive the lean times, to a partially hydrogenated trans-fat that has no redeeming value.

Calories-in-equals-calories-out doesn’t work permanently with dirty fat because the toxins are left in your body.    For greater happiness and lasting change, you must clean up your fat.  You must fully accept it for what it is – make peace with where you are, for a physical change to really work.    Once your fat is clean, you may even find out that the amount you have is just right

Interestingly, Ivanna – healthy, strong, fit, gloriously curvy, and by general consensus all those years ago NOT too fat – has, since asking herself what she really wanted and consciously moving in the direction of her own happiness, dropped twenty pounds without really thinking about it.  She and her body are singing in harmony now, and it sounds really good.

Any thoughts about fat?  Please share your comments below.  Fat is always a tasty topic for discussion.